Nine subsidiaries, one holding company, one logo, and an amount of confidence that our own legal team has described, in writing, as "structurally unearned."
The Portfolio
Every subsidiary below is operated by the same four people. We have never explained how this is possible and we would prefer not to start now.
Portfolio composition subject to change based on what somebody thought was funny on a Tuesday.
About Us
Four friends registered a domain as a joke. The joke acquired a plumbing division. Nobody has found a natural stopping point since.
To enter as many unrelated industries as possible before anyone asks us for a business plan.
Offices on four continents. Three of them are the same co-working desk, booked in different time zones.
Every subsidiary follows the same process: agree enthusiastically, then find out how it works later.
Show up. Do the thing. Do not, under any circumstances, schmuck it up.
Newsroom
At a press conference on Tuesday, leadership confirmed the launch of a new division and then spent four minutes trying to remember the full portfolio out loud.
August 2026 · Correction appended: the compliance division has audited us and confirms the total is nine.
Engineers stress that the model is functioning correctly and that the output is an accurate reflection of the available input.
July 2026
A joint statement describes the dispute as "resolved." Both divisions have since issued separate statements describing it as "not resolved."
July 2026
Analysts note the figure has been described as "record" for six consecutive quarters without a unit ever being attached to it.
June 2026
The vote was described as binding. The division was described as "an exception, and honestly the last one."
June 2026
The review lasted eleven minutes. The logo depicts curling. Only one subsidiary has any relationship to curling, and it is not the one you would guess.
June 2026
Contact
For anything subsidiary-specific, please contact the subsidiary. They will forward it back to us.
1234 Innovation Drive
Schmucks Plaza, Suite 400
San Francisco, CA 94105
London · Tokyo · Barcelona
Sydney (Wednesdays only)
Press: press@fourschmucks.com
General: hello@fourschmucks.com
Legal: please don't
Four Schmucks is a satirical brand portfolio. Every company, statistic, testimonial, press quote and executive named across this site is fictional. Any resemblance to a real conglomerate is regrettable for the conglomerate.